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September 30, 2012

The Joy In Relational Presence

In this day and age we tend to live more independent lives than ever. Technology is at least part of the explanation; convenience also. There are myriads of social and human-nature factors at play. But our independence, which is supposed to deliver us more freedom, has actually delivered us more isolation. We may feel more disconnected nowadays - besides the ability to catch up with people over social media - than ever.

More independence and more freedom has not necessarily equated to more joy.

The Gospel narrative, on the other hand, speaks of a more dependent model. We are urged to depend on God and to be proactively responsible within the lives of others that touch our lives. This mix of dependency on God and responsibility within the lives of others brings us to the opportunity for interdependence.

When we achieve interdependence, which implies relational ways of being, we experience joy. Anytime we have joy we also tend to have much grasp on peace.

ENJOYING INTERDEPENDENCE

If we recognise that independence breeds isolation, we understand that being responsibly dependent within community - to enjoy interdependence - is the way to joy through relational presence.

Such a presence is the way we feel and hold ourselves. In the company of others we enjoy their presence, as we enjoy our own. We don't force it. We allow it to come and rest with us. There is a superior joy to be experienced when we coexist in community like this.

When we allow others to rely upon us and we allow ourselves to rely upon others, and this occurs within the realm of mutual satisfaction, we are achieving interdependence.

This is true community where trust and respect flow between two parties and the connection seems effortless. Sure, there will be conflicts, but nothing the two entities can't work out.

Enjoying interdependence takes us higher into the realm of Divinity. God is in these moments of mutual enjoyment. Love exists there. It is the halcyon experience.

BREAKING OUT OF OUR ISOLATION

We may be isolated and unable, at this present time, to experience the fullness of God within the world.

Besides experiencing the pure presence of God, through prayer, fasting and meditation etc, we experience God in community - in relationship with other people.

Breaking out of our isolation sufficient enough to experience these blessings requires boldness. It requires a tenacious desire for something better. There may be no better experience in this life than the common or not-so-common love of simple and authentic fellowship.

***

Besides closeness to God, our greatest joy comes from trusting and respectful human relationships where we give and receive love. Joy is copious when relational presence between two people is struck.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/


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5 Clues Your Relationship Might Be At Risk

We've all had that sinking feeling at one time or another; that pit-of-the-stomach feeling that there's something wrong in our relationship.

If you're feeling it, take a look around - do you see any of these revealing signs of relationship trouble on the horizon?

1. Snooping Around

Are you checking his phone or email? Have you been checking his pants pockets for anything suspicious? If so, then there are already trust issues in the relationship.

And by the way, don't kid yourself by thinking "oh, everyone does it." Spying on your partner is in no way a healthy part of a relationship. It's a sure sign of problems.

2. Have You Snuggled Recently?

You used to hold hands while you watched TV; he used to squeeze you from behind while you washed dishes. But now, you can't remember the last time he touched you - and you haven't really even missed it.

It's in a man's nature to want to have sex anytime they can - even when the relationship may be rocky.

So if he's stopped wanting to cuddle, if there's no playful squeezes or pinches; if he stays up late after you've gone to bed, it might be that he's no longer sexually interested in you. On the other hand, if you've made a habit of saying "no," he may be avoiding the rejection.

3. You Argue About Little Things - Even In Front of Others

Every couple has disagreements and squabbles occasionally. But if your arguments have become more about scoring points and trying to be "right", and especially if you're doing it in front of friends or family, this relationship may be near its end.

4. He's Stopped Including You In His Activities

It's quite normal for couples to have hobbies and interests that they pursue separately; it's the rare couple that does everything together.

However, if he's got a new hobby or activity that's taking up all his time, and he never invites you along and doesn't want to talk to you about it, it's likely he's looking for a way out.

5. You Don't Know Where You're Headed

Couples in a healthy relationship like to plan for the future. They talk about things like how many kids they should have, where they would like to travel, and so on.

If the two of you rarely discuss anything more in advance than what you're doing for dinner, it may be because you just don't see each other in your future lives.

Do you often feel like you do not understand your man? Or are you single and have not been able to find Mr Right? Are you doing everything right on your first date with a hot guy?

If you have such questions, and more, you've come to the right place. Visit UrbaneWomen to find out if you are doing everything right, from how to apply the correct makeup for that hot date tonight to advices on how to improve your relationship with your man.


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September 29, 2012

Living Alone Can Kill You

A study "followed nearly 45,000 people ages 45 and up who had heart disease or a high risk of developing the condition. Those who lived alone, the study found, were more likely to die from heart attacks, strokes, or other heart complications over a four-year period than people living with family or friends, or in some other communal arrangement."

In his best-selling book, "Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell opens with a study done in a small Pennsylvania town called Roseto, where people never die of heart attacks - due to the closeness and connections within their community.

Some researchers, such as Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of "The Biology of Belief," State that 90% of illness is stress-related. Loneliness is a huge stress. We are social beings - not meant to live alone. Yet our society is geared to create loneliness rather than connection and community.

While loneliness is a huge stress, there are also many challenges when it comes to living with others. Here is what I often hear from my clients:

"I'd rather live alone than live with a controlling person. And I can't find anyone who is not needy and controlling."

"Every time I get into a relationship, I end up feeling hurt in one way or another. This seems more stressful to me than living alone."

"The pain of loss is too great. I'd rather not risk it."

"I do fine alone, but as soon as I'm in a relationship, I give myself up."

"Relationships are too hard and stressful. I'd rather be alone."

What's The Answer?

Living alone and being lonely is stressful, and often living with someone else is stressful.

The answer lies in being open to learning about loving yourself. If it is more loving to yourself and much less stressful for you to be alone, and loneliness is not a huge issue for you, then living alone may be in your highest good. But if loneliness is painful for you, then being open to learning about how to take loving care of yourself within relationships is likely what is loving to you.

Relationships offer an incredible arena for personal and spiritual growth. They trigger every unresolved and unhealed issue - fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of engulfment, fear of conflict, fear of intimacy. This is why relationships are stressful - they challenge us to deal with our deepest fears. And, in accepting this challenge, we learn and grow.

However, many people are just as lonely in a relationship as in being alone - if not even more so. When people choose to protect against their fears rather than learn from them, and when they choose to try to control others rather than learn to be loving to themselves and others, it can be very lonely for both partners.

In the town of Roseto, mentioned above, the one thing that creates the lack of heart attacks is CARING. In Roseto, the people care about each other. They look out for each other. They support each other and take care of those who need caregiving. They accept each other.

They don't have heart attacks because they feel safe, and the sense of safety takes away the stress that causes illness. They know that they will never be on the streets starving. They know they will never be ill and left alone to fend for themselves. They have each others' backs.

What would you give to know that the people around you and in your community have your back? And that you have theirs.

This caring about each other is what is missing in much of our society, both within our primary relationships and within our communities. Without this caring, we don't feel safe. Even if we are good at taking care of ourselves, we still need to know that we are not alone - that others care enough to be there for us when we have the need.

How can we move toward creating caring communities? By being willing to do our own Inner Bonding work so that we can open our hearts to each other.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/ or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.


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September 28, 2012

3 Steps on How To Fix A Broken Relationship

Broken relationships can be a huge burden on someone's emotional wellbeing. If you are a man or woman suffering from such a relationship you know very well the heartache and pain involved with such a situation. There are many reasons a relationship ends up being broken, and these situations don't discriminate. These types of issues can happen to men and woman that are just getting serious with the relationship all the way up to couples who have been married for years. A lot of people in broken relationships don't want the relationship to end, but thinks the situation is impossible to fix. I want to let you know that even though your feelings are normal, your situation is not impossible to fix. I want to show you how to fix your relationship.

There are many reasons a relationship can become broken. Problems in relationships can stem from simple arguments, financial problems, insecurities, and many more. There are 3 important steps to take in order to fix a broken relationship.

Step 1: Identify

Step 2: Communication

Step 3 Forgiveness

The first step to fixing a relationship is to identify why your having problems in the first place. Do the problems you are having because of something you did or didn't do? Do the issues deal with finances or maybe insecurities you or the people you're in the relationship have? Whatever the issue is you first need to identify what is causing the problem.

The second step to fixing your broken relationship is communication. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. People are raised differently growing up, and have different life experiences, so of course there are going to be arguments between two people in a relationship. Now to avoid a broken relationship or to fix one for that matter, you need to know how to communicate effectively. In order to communicate effectively you need to listen to the other person and stay calm and patient. You can't communicate effectively if you are going off on the other person yelling, calling names, and saying hurtful things. You will only cause more damage to the relationship. If you aren't able to stay calm right now take a break and come back when you can communicate more effectively.

The last step on how to fix a broken relationship is forgiveness. If you've really messed things up no matter what it is you need to own up to it. Everyone makes mistakes, so if you made one don't try to point the blame elsewhere. Just own your mistake, give a sincere apology and ask for forgiveness for that mistake. If you created a huge mistake and the other person in the relationship can't forgive you after you asked right away, just give them a little time. At least you gave them a sincere apology and asked for forgiveness. You did your part now the ball is in their court. But you will feel much better when you take that step to forgiveness, and it will help you fix your broken relationship.

Pete loves to see people in happy successful relationships. He also likes to try and help people in any way he can. If you would like more information on how you can fix a broken relationship CLICK HERE


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Getting Out of the Blame Game

Antagonism's like competition,
Two take turns to attack,
But when one stops the Blame Game,
Peace is what we tend to attract.

We do tend to suspect that the blame game gets us nowhere.

It seems the instant defence we lurch to when we are attacked - we respond, at least from within, by defence of counter-attack. It's instinctive.

Sometimes we only realise what we've done well after the event.

Their blame of us begets our blame of them. But it doesn't have to be that way. Getting out of the cycle of blaming people when they have let us down is not as hard as it looks and we derive peace as a result.

The thing is any time we get sucked into the blame game it backfires.

We lose our peace.

BLAME AND PEACE CANNOT COEXIST

We get stewed up over how betrayed we've become. In trying to fix the blame where we think it belongs some of it inevitably attaches itself to us by the way we feel. When we feel aggrieved within peace cannot coexist.

Blame someone else and we give ourselves the perverse permission to feel resentful. This is madness. To protect ourselves from resentment we must treat the other person as fairly as we can.

When we blame people we are not being fair on them.

We may see them as responsible for something they have not done well, but we cannot afford to attribute blame. Blame implies we have an emotional response to what has occurred. Whatever somebody has done or hasn't done should be able to rest there as a fact without us becoming emotional.

There is a place for us in coexisting with people in our relationships where we can allow them to fail, as we can allow ourselves to fail, without getting overly emotional about it. When we arrive at this place, peace is what we derive; peace for all concerned.

SEEING LIFE BEYOND BLAME

Blame is always counter-productive. When we devote our emotional energy to blaming thinking and behaving we are really saying we are happy living life off-track. Nobody who wants the abundant life should do that. Blaming behaviours send us off into tributaries of violence away from where life is truly at.

Our challenge, if we are truly interested in the abundant life, is to get beyond the blame game. There are possibilities to love even those who would be blameworthy. There are possibilities to forgive those who blame us. When we are out of the blame game we begin to see the options to love.

Seeing life beyond blame is the ability to see life in true perspective. It's when we devote ourselves to the broader life of divine vision, where we ask God for sight we would normally not receive. Such sight is the God-perspective, where we begin to see all people and all situations as loveworthy.

Blame is like a domino,
It sets off a chain of regret,
Love is also like a domino,
It sets off a chain of needs met.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/


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September 27, 2012

When a Woman Needs to Leave

This is an incredibly sensitive topic; a woman choosing to leave a relationship because it's toxic, abusive, or neglectful. Having experienced this personally - when my first marriage folded - I can see why women need to leave a relationship where they perceive they cannot get through to their unresponsive men. At that time, I was hard to get through to, as it seems on reflection. That changed the moment the marriage ended - God shocked me into becoming a better, more perceptive listener. But, for that marriage, it was too late.

Women do reach a time when their patience runs out; or worse, in the case of abuse, when they finally realise it's no longer safe to stick around.

Unfortunately, however, many women who do this end up becoming enemy number one with family members, especially when said family members have an opinion and take a side. What results out of an action the woman feels she must take, is the inevitable fallout. She may suffer ongoing losses and pain as others (unfairly) fix 'the blame' on her.

This article is focused on helping such a woman re-establish her emotional equilibrium, and recover her identity without the scarring of others' vitriol spoiling the process.

UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIP PATHOLOGY AND 'THE END'

Many people endure many years of unhappy relationship before they eventually decide to sever the arrangement. It is more often a woman who will do this - who is inclined to wait patiently amid sometimes hopeless situations until the bubble truly bursts.

There are two issues of concern: neglect and abuse. Neglect we can handle first.

Characteristically, her male partner has long forgotten to communicate; there may be other issues (alcohol, other drugs, gambling, pornography, adultery, etc), but his failure to communicate - his failure to want to communicate - is commonly the issue of her distress. She feels neglected and has felt neglected possibly for years, even decades. She has endured the mental and emotional tussle long enough. Well before she consciously plans the departure, her unconscious mind unintentionally imagines what life would be like without him. Her grief process has already begun.

In cases of abuse, the timeline is dramatically shortened. Things may come to a head quicker. Decisions may be made abruptly due to concern over safety. And especially where children are involved, many abusive relationships need to end.

Most women do not make such bold and lasting decisions unless they feel their hand has been forced. There is the inevitable guilt they carry for having ended the relationship; for having 'caused' his pain. But, of course, the reality is many times he, himself, has brought on this pain.

LEARNING TO LET GO

Women in these situations are surprised to learn that things usually get worse upon separation. Whilst the neglectful or abusive relationship may have ended, the fallout can be much worse. There are broken relationships strewn everywhere.

Anxiety is the key indicator at this point. In amongst the confusion of having had to do something so drastic, an action which has caused collateral pain, the profusion of feelings is overwhelming.

Learning to truly let go of one's corrosive emotions is a long and arduous process - but it is necessary, in these cases, for the management of conscious and unconscious anxiety.

Learning to let go is about honesty - this recovery process is not simply about grieving the relationship, which may already have taken place. Learning to let go is grieving the collateral losses of the other relationships that are now torn, as well as other extraneous issues.

Learning to let go is coming back, time and again, to the truth that we tried our best; we tried to get through and could not do so. We gave the relationship everything we had. There is now no logical reason for guilt.

But it is not as simple as logic.

It's an active process, day after day, month after month, and into the years, to recover. Let us continue on the pilgrimage of letting go. On this letting go pilgrimage we must eventually accept the collateral damage is beyond our control. We cannot change the way people feel about the situation. We can only learn to accept that less emotionally mature others will cling to their views - right, wrong or indifferent.

Ours is to look to the future. Ours is to create a new vision. Ours is to believe God's promise that he has a plan for us; a future we hope for.

***

When the relationship has finally ended, and we know we have tried our best, given the circumstances, we are best off striving to let go. When we can let go of guilt, anxiety eases. Why feel guilty when there is little to feel guilty about - when we tried our best?

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/


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Are You Looking For Your Soul Mate? Try A Different Approach!

When you watch movies in which romance is the main topic, one thing you are going to be led to believe is that dating - and embarking on the quest to find your perfect match - will be a whole lot of fun; if you have tested out the dating scene in real life, however - regardless of whether you have been looking for that special someone for weeks or for years - you have probably found that this is not exactly the case! In fact, dating can often be messy, stressful, and not much fun at all!

One of the major problems with dating is the fact that a great number of people reach a point where they do not have enough time to search for that special someone for them; of course, if each of us found our "soul mate" in college, it would be quite easy to settle down and marry, as that space of your life provides you with plenty of time for hanging out with and getting to know someone with whom you connect. As soon as you make your way into adult life, however, you suddenly find yourself with far too little time for dating, which leaves you in a position where it is difficult for you to spend time with and get to know different people in order to find the right person for you.

Another one of the big problems with stepping into the dating scene is the fact that it tends to become more and more difficult to get to know someone the older they get; when people are in their late teens and early twenties, they are typically open about who they are, and about what they are looking for in a significant other, as they feel they have all the time in the world to find the perfect match for them. As people move away from that college-age dating scene, however, they often become more guarded - making sure they do not say or do anything that will mess up their dating prospects!

Of course, with all the negative aspects that go with dating, it can begin to feel like it will be downright impossible (or, at the very least, like you will have to get plain lucky) to find the right match for you; but when you think about exactly what all the "negatives" are surrounding dating, you will start to realize exactly why online dating is such a valuable tool!

Some people - and you may be one such person, currently - have it in their heads that it would be impossible to find true love online; the truth, however, is that online dating gives you the opportunity to meet people when you have free time throughout the day, it gives you the chance to browse people's profiles and get to know a bit about them before you have to commit to spending a great deal of time with them, and it makes it easy for people to drop their barriers and be honest about exactly who they are! Honestly, online dating is an awesome way to go - and if you currently find yourself searching for that special someone, it is time you start considering this option as the right approach for you!

~Johan Prins

A safe place to find that special someone!
http://www.fiestadating.net/


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September 26, 2012

Mending a Broken Heart Isn't Always Easy

In the world we live in it seems as if nothing is lasting anymore. The cars we drive are made of mostly plastic and other synthetic fibres, the clothes we spend money on seem to tear or fall apart within months of purchase, and it has been quoted numerous times that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

This does not give those who are dating much hope either. It is hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable with people as it is, and with the divorce rate so high one can only imagine that the break up rate is even higher. For any of us who have gone through a break up, we know that when our heart gets involved it is not an easy thing to mend. When people start dating these days, they tend to forget some important things that can safeguard them from being hurt or crushed if a break up does happen.

The first thing that people need to do before stepping into a relationship of any kind would be to know their self fully. Do you know your likes and dislikes well enough that you won't "change" them just because of who you are with? Do you know what makes you, YOU? If not, you need to take the time to get to know yourself. For if you do not know yourself it makes it nearly impossible to get to know someone else. Not only that but you will tend to become the person you are seeing rather than let them get to know the person you are.

This will not only help with getting to know the person you are seeing, it also helps them get to know you and it helps after the break up so you can move on. If you spend a portion of your life acting like someone else and then you are left to spend the rest of your life without that person it becomes difficult to move on because you are left not knowing who you are anymore. This is a scary concept, yet it happens far too often. Two people are courting for a few years and never really took the time to get to know each other but they became the other person in the process; after the break up occurs they are both left frantically searching for their lost identity.

To reiterate, taking that first step of knowing yourself fully will help to guard you from losing yourself if the relationship ends. The task of mending a broken heart is not easy yet it is possible if you know yourself and you understand that all good things come with time and patience.

Visit Lovestruck.com, who offer online dating services and events in Singapore. Check out their Singapore events to see what they have planned for the coming months. Why not sign up and find love tonight?


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Separation Agreements and Australian Family Law

Society today is very different to a time when marriage was for life and the idea of a couple 'living in sin' was... well... frowned upon to say the least. Here are the statistics for today.

Statistically in a group of 10 people;

Two to three will have had either 2 or 3 defacto type relationships.One or two will have had 3 or more.FIVE will be heading for there first split!

So with this in mind it could be a very costly exercise to have the potential of 3 or more costly settlements. However if you and your (ex) partner can decide amicably then it doesn't need to be drawn out and expensive.

Here are some legal aspects to what defines 'separation'.

The Family Law Act states a separated couple as;

The parties to a marriage may be held to have separated notwithstanding that the cohabitation was brought to an end by the action or conduct of one only of the parties.The parties to a marriage may be held to have separated and to have lived separately and apart notwithstanding that they have continued to reside in the same residence or that either party has rendered some household services to the other."

After amendments to the Act same sex couples have the same legal entitlements as heterosexual couples.

When a couple is married then they must wait at least 12 months before going through the process to get a divorce, BUT you can agree on how you will divide property at any time. This applies to both married and defacto couples alike.

Any type of Financial Agreement has to have the correct certification to become legally binding. This is officially known as 'certificate of independent legal advice'. This is where each party gets a certificate from a qualified lawyer stating that they have been informed of the nature of the agreement and how it affects there rights. Without this it can be challenged in a court of law.

It will state how any assets will be divided and may include;

Maintenance of childrenSuperannuation splittingAsset splittingInsurance policies

It is a great benefit to everyone involved if things can be resolved amicably so that the process goes smoothly and at the least cost possible. Also if any children are involved then the less arguing between the parties the better as the children can easily be adversly affected by any conflict between parents.

An agreement can be achieved at a minimal cost by using a separation agreement template and having a lawyer certify it as legal. This method is the most cost effective when both parties agree and just need the correct paperwork.

If the two parties cannot agree then you will need to seek the help of a family law firm which will result in a costly and emotional journey that no one really needs or wants.

Legal and Certified Separation Agreement that is an affordable no stress solution available at the Family Law specialists.
http://www.financialagreements.com.au/ also cater for a prenuptial agreement


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September 25, 2012

Why Do Men Ignore Women They Love?

Do you ever find yourself staring at a man and wondering what he REALLY wants from you. What he REALLY dreams about? What he REALLY wishes for in a woman? If you do, you're certainly not alone.

According to relationship expert Michael Fiore (who's appeared on the Rachael Ray show and was interviewed by Time Magazine), the number one thing women wish for is the ability to READ MEN'S MINDS and know how guys REALLY feel.

Unfortunately most guys will NEVER open up to a woman and there's never been a way to get the actual TRUTH about what goes on in their minds. Until now.

Michael Fiore recently sent a very simple, very powerful survey to a list of over 20,000 men asking one amazing question. "What's the one thing you wish the woman in your life understood about men, but could NEVER tell her?"

If you'd like to learn the answer to that question (what men want sexually, emotionally and intellectually... why men lie to women, why men cheat on women and so much more) you need to stop what you're doing and go watch this video right now...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMJpz_znhVM

Another thing about men that why do they lie all the time with the women? My friend Michael Fiore (he's a nationally known relationship expert who's helped thousands of women understand men and who even appeared on Rachael Ray) says there's actually THREE reasons that men lie to women (and two of them are actually pretty innocent... here's the first one that tends to SHOCK a lot of women.)

Michael says that men lie to women because men are SCARED of women.

Not physically (not usually, though occasionally you hear about a woman going all "Bobbitt" on her man.) Nope, Michael says men are scared of women's EMOTIONS.

See, it might sound weird, but emotions are actually harder for guys to deal with and to recover from for guys than they are for women.According to Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington (right here in Seattle) women can both enter and recover from extreme emotional states a LOT faster and easier than guys can.

If you think about it, it makes sense. We've all seen a woman burst into tears one moment only to be totally fine 5 minutes later. But when it comes to emotions, guys are a lot more "fragile." Gottman says it's because of evolution. Guys were evolved to be single taskers. Getting "emotional" for women is a lot like jumping off a dock into a lake. You get wet, sure. But the dock is right there and just a few seconds later you're safe and dry... But for guys, "getting emotional" is like getting dropped in the middle of the ocean.


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Custom of Compassion: Developing Compassion for Self and Others

I sat waiting for yet another daily chest X-Ray on my seventh day in the hospital with pneumonia and knew that I was dying... I could feel my consciousness fading, my body shutting down and overheard a conversation among medical professionals about kidney failure, lack of oxygen and alarming blood work. Although my body was crashing, I felt a sense of peace come over me. I realized that the most important question about my life was, "How much have I loved?" All other trappings of my life had fallen away. Fortunately I was 51 years old and had maintained good health prior to this bout with virulent pneumonia. So after a long struggle I recovered.

How much have I loved? I found inner peace during my health crisis when I was able to picture my husband, our children, extended family, friends and clients and knew that I had loved much. In the decade since my near-death experience, there has been extensive research on life purpose and satisfaction. Two vital variables are characteristic of the perspectives of those who find personal happiness... close relationships and sense of meaning. These two elements form the foundation of a sense of purpose that expresses our true humanity. The research confirmed what I trusted in my heart.

So what does it look like to live a life from love? Kurt Vonnegut wrote, "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be." In the brain practice make permanent, so the more often we choose love as our motivation, the more automatic the behavior becomes. It is important to maintain a vision of your Best Self. This is easy when we first fall in love because we see each other as ideals. Over time, fear and attack thoughts can erode our connections. I recommend that clients ask the question, "Do I choose love or fear as my motivation?" Love of self and others is the essence of our Best Self... the foundation of transformation.

UNCONSCIOUS PROGRAMS

So what gets in the way of living a life from our Best Self? If we are designed for love and meaning then what blocks happiness and fulfillment? With so much is written and described about successful relationships in spiritual traditions, academic and self-help books, the media, great literature and philosophy, why aren't we doing a better job? I have had to answer this question as a psychotherapist for over 35 years. In the early years of my practice, I naively assumed that if my clients understood common sense communication strategies and put those to work they would improve their relationships. I learned the hard way that the unconscious mind runs the show. We are programmed in our families for certain behaviors and have internalized narratives about ourselves and others. This works like a movie on our head and we are stuck on the same channel even if we know we have better channels available. We are locked on to the movie in our mind based on past learning. Our channel changer is frozen so we watch re-runs of the same old dramas because we never learned to consciously use our changer. We fear change.

Why would we be afraid to navigate from a drama that so clearly DOES NOT work? Why wouldn't we change a channel in our mind that is boring, hurtful or self-destructive? As neuroscience reminds us, "the brain loves the familiar". We feel safer with the familiar and unconsciously repeat patterns we learned as children. The patterns are powerful and resistant to change because at one time these thought patterns protected us. For example, I recently worked with a smart and savvy young man in his early forties who did a lot of damage unconsciously by distancing himself from his wife and children through judgmental statements, sarcasm, name calling, and distancing. This was a man with integrity and strong family values so why did he behave in destructive way toward those he most loved and valued? Why was he stuck on an abusive channel?

INTERNAL NARRATIVES

This young husband and father had an internal narrative that he learned for eighteen years as he grew up that went something like this, "Whatever you do, you cannot let your guard down or you will be hurt... The best defense is a good offense." I joked with him that if he would up in prison; this was a darn good set of rules. A great channel to watch for survival as a prison inmate. Bottom line, he was caught in a prison of his own ideas. We all have picked up some dysfunctional behaviors based on past experiences. It is important to tune into our internal, unconscious narrative channels and practice intentional surfing in the direction of love and meaning... Love of others and love of life.

This young client grew up with a Mother who was caustic and alcoholic and a distant father. He was a caring and sensitive kid who developed inner defenses to protect himself in a hostile environment. As he grew the ability to distance himself from his mothers barbs, use sarcasm, call her names and judge others before they judged him saved him from a lot of pain. Unfortunately he also trained his brain that these were the behaviors needed to survive. Now that he is grown and has his own family he can learn to make better choices. We are re-writing his narrative as "I am a kind a loving Husband and Father who learns from my mistakes, lives with integrity and stops negative patterns from my family with this generation." This will be a conscious and regular practice for him until practice makes permanent in his brain. It is a challenge to change our narratives about life because they protected us at one time.Developing our ability to be close to others and also maintain a sense of self is one the most difficult task that we have in our lives and the most rewarding.

"It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation."

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

INTERNAL DISCERNMENT AND COMPASSION

In healthy and happy relationships the rights of the individual are inexplicably tied to the family and members are able to be close and separate. That is a dance we perfect over time. The maxim, "Love one another as thyself" is a natural, guiding principle in successful relationships.

Learning to change your inner narrative is a challenging process, but the rewards are great as you learn to live from love instead of fear. Some guidelines that help in this process are as follows:

1. We shine the light within gently and without judgment.

2. Since our narrative contains unconscious material from our childhood, we may feel powerless, vulnerable and immature at times as we look. But this should not deter us. Remember you are breaking out of a prison of your own ideas.

3. It helps to keep a journal if there is something in your life that you are worried about. Find a private way to write your thoughts and commit to writing about your problem for at least 15 minutes a day for several days. Then, step back and see what patterns you notice. Do you feel like a victim? A persecuter? a chronic rescuer? What steps would your Best Self take to do things differently?

4. Since our sense of self is largely established when we are children and we have better information as adults, information on its own is unlikely to be able to do away with the feelings of inadequacy and defectiveness that lie in our unconscious narrative. Accept that you have attack thoughts and self hatred and learn to watch those thoughts without judgment. You do not need to act on destructive thoughts and feelings. As you move in the direction of love and meaning, your inner narrative will change.

5. It helps to have a loving witness to stand by our side as you begin to wrestle with inner narratives. Ideally this will be our partner, family member or friend but at times we require professional assistance to learn to look without harsh judgment and attack thought toward ourselves and others.

6. It is impossible to examine our narratives while at the same time engaging in attacking our partners or ourselves. Compassion toward others and ourselves is an essential ingredient in the process of taking back our spontaneity and aliveness.

7. In our culture we have tended to use shame instead of healthy guilt in training our children. (Shame is about ourselves; healthy guilt is about actions). As a consequence, it is often difficult to examine the inadequate behaviors without thinking that we are bad. Avoid all or nothing thinking. We all have faults and weaknesses. Keep moving your thoughts and behaviors to your Best Self.

8. The majority of my clients who have examined their inner narratives have found a particularly cruel, faultfinding aspect we call the Judge. The Judge interferes with getting to know yourself because the Judges reactions to its contents are so harsh and punitive. When the Judge is unleashed in a relationship, it usually leads to what shame and blame and attack of yourself or others. Learn to listen to this mean-spirited voice and replace it with compassionate solutions. EG. The Judge may shout in your head, "You are worthless, might was well stop trying." You replace it with, "I will use my Best Self to find new paths toward love and purpose." Do not allow the judge to give you a life sentence in a prison of your own ideas.

9. Envision your BEST POSSIBLE SELF and write about the steps you need to take to live your way to fulfillment. Imagine your life going as well as it possibly can in all areas including love, work and play. Imagine your life if you realize your dreams and make the most of your personal potential. Research shows that when you do this exercise you become more optimistic and are more likely the cope with frustrations and obstacles.

Freud once said that we need to do three things well to be happy... to love, to work and to play.

Choosing compassion for self and others as our motivation patterns our lives toward fulfillment. Customs of compassion benefit individuals, families and culture and evolve traditions for the evolution of humanity.

Dr. Linda Miles is a psychotherapist and author with thirty five years of experience.She has written several books including, Friendship on Fire (XLibris, 2010) and The New Marriage (Cypress Press, 2000) that was nominated for Forward Book of the Year award in Nonfiction. Kirkus Reviews refers to Friendship on Fire as, " a treasure map" for relationships.


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