Why People Sabotage Their Love Relationships By Using Passive Aggressive Behaviors

In the glow of a new love relationship, our expectations of bonding, sharing and connecting with each other are very high... and this high feeling corresponds with the satisfaction of our human need for love and connection.

We are all programmed by evolution to search and find another human being to develop attachment to. There is a need to have someone to depend on, a loved one who can offer reliable emotional connection and comfort. In this search, we involve everything we have: hormones, our emotions and our personal life planning, given the importance of finding a good life companion.

Only afterwards, through painful disconnection experiences, we can begin to get painfully familiar with the little gaps and misunderstandings that bring us back into the loneliness of our individual situation, back from the unity.

This is part of the process, the step by step learning to share life with another person, which becomes a permanent task with its own rewards.

What happens when the other person, the person you have chosen to be your safe emotional connection, is not understanding the nature of developing a relationship? What happens when the other person involves himself into a cocoon of isolation and secrecy? And gives you only empty responses?

You begin to feel little by little pushed into a painful loneliness... most women talk about being stuck in a "lonely marriage," where they can't connect with their spouse. Usually, they complain about long periods of silence, secrecy, and in general an attitude of not sharing anything personal with them.

Even being involved in a good fight, their spouses would appear to handle conflict in a calm, detached way, but then later react in an uncaring or wounding manner to a calm, non-conflict situation, seemingly "out of the blue."

This response further damages the relationship because it causes confusion and pain to the receiving person and she cannot respond the way she needs to because she doesn't know what provoked such a reaction to begin with. And requests for explanations go unanswered... or can provoke long silence periods.

Why is this response happening? why do some husbands distort normal communication in this way? Basically, to protect themselves from what they perceive as an intrusion or an attack by their wives, misinterpreting a request for a deeper connection as a threat.

Passive aggressive behavior often stems from a deep feeling of insecurity in a relationship and the expectancy of rejection from the most important person in one's life. This perception of always being in an insecure attachment develops in early childhood, and persists as an unconscious expectation about relationships in general for the rest of our lives.

Attachments in general are seen as threatening inner balance, demanding impossible tradeoffs and exacting a high price... is a mostly negative expectation that transforms any little incident in a reason to withdraw emotionally and hide from the other side.

A person often develops this behavior as a defense mechanism, however ineffective, because needing to recover a sense of both protection and strength. Passive Aggression is protective because it shields the emotional world of the person in a silence cocoon, severing connections and preserving a sense of isolation.

It can be used not only as a protection from the assumed intrusions of the spouse, but also provides a way to retaliate against their real or perceived emotional threats. Long silences can drive the punished spouse crazy, without having a reason or a cause that can be improved or solved... simply, there is no explanation for the silence, but the excluded partner feels a terrible isolation and wonders why is the punishment delivered. Again, no explanation given, or a calm smile, or a "nothing is wrong" comment reinforces the isolation of the excluded partner.

Unfortunately, this type of behavior backfires because is most often used within close or loving relationships, those which present for this kind of immature partner with the biggest risk of loss, of hurt, of disappointment.

Because of this, passive aggression becomes a double edged sword because it turns the imaginary rejection risk into a reality as the hurt loved one eventually pulls away, reinforcing the fear and the secretive behavior in the person using passive aggression.

Still unsure about understanding what passive aggressive behavior is? Some more common terms that people use to describe someone using passive aggression are "backstabbing," "under-handed," or even "cruel."

Do these words pop into your mind when thinking of your husband or loved one? Or do people use them to describe you? If so, it's time to start learning more about why and how these behaviors happen, how to help someone with passive aggression, or get help yourself trying to survive a passive aggressive marriage.

Take steps towards helping your loved one, and helping yourself; do some reading, enlist the help of a relationship coach, get the support of your friends. There are resources available to you, and you need to understand this situation in order to be able to trust and love again.

Dr. Nora Femenia, CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc teaches conflict courses at Florida International University as well as offering personal coaching and training on the topic of Passive Aggression. To further understand passive aggressive behavior, see Dr. Femenia's ebooks at http://norafemenia.com/books/how-to-spot-a-passive-aggressive-partner/

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Magazine trends study finds increase in advertisements using sex

Sex sells, or at least that is what advertisers hope. A recent study from the University of Georgia looked at sexual ads appearing in magazines over 30 years and found that the numbers are up.

"Advertisers use sex because it can be very effective," said researcher Tom Reichert, professor and head of the department of advertising and public relations in the UGA Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communication. "Sex sells because it attracts attention. People are hard wired to notice sexually relevant information so ads with sexual content get noticed."

People also succumb to the 'buy this, get this' imagery used in ads, he said.

"Some young men actually think Axe body spray will drive women crazy," he said. "But, brand impressions are shaped by images in advertising, too. Arguable, Calvin Klein and Victoria's Secret are not much different than Hanes or Vassarette, but perception studies show those brands are perceived as 'sexy,' and some customers want that."

Looking at 3,232 full-page ads published in 1983, 1993 and 2003 in popular magazines Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Esquire, Playboy, Newsweek and Time, researchers found sexual imagery in 20 percent of the ads. Using sex to sell everything from alcohol to banking services has increased over the years: 15 percent of ads used sex to sell in 1983; that percentage grew to 27 percent in 2003.

Ads were categorized based on the models' clothing, or lack thereof, and physical contact between models.

"Our findings show that the increase in visual sexual imagery over the three decades of analysis is attributable to products already featuring sexual content in ads, not necessarily widespread adoption by other product categories," Reichert said. "Specifically, alcohol, entertainment and beauty ads are responsible for much of the increase."

The study showed sex is primarily used to sell low-risk products purchased on impulse.

"Sex is not as effective when selling high-risk, informational products such as banking services, appliances and utility trucks," he said.

Much of the growth was seen in alcohol, entertainment and beauty advertising. Out of 18 product categories, those most often using sexual imagery in advertising were health and hygiene at 38 percent; beauty, 36 percent; drugs and medicine, 29 percent, clothing, 27 percent; travel, 23 percent; and entertainment, 21 percent.

"In almost every study I've seen, sexual content gives a purchase advantage in such instances," Reichert said.

Products not using sex in their ads were charitable organizations and computer companies.

Women are used to sell products most often when pitching sex. In ads sampled from 2003, 92 percent of beauty ads that contained models were female. Just under half the ads did not contain models.

With the exception of entertainment advertising, females overwhelming occupy the pages of sex-selling advertisements. Of the 38 percent of provocative health and hygiene advertisements that feature models, 31 percent feature females and 7 percent feature males.

"Perhaps more important, this analysis shows that the proportion for alcohol ads in 2003 increased to about one sexual ad for every three ads (37 percent)," Reichert said. "Using sex to sell products such as alcohol and tobacco is a moral issue."

Reichert said this upward trend in erotic ads is a reflection of society.

"It takes more explicitness to grab our attention and arouse us than before," he said. "In the early 1900s, exposed arms and ankles of female models generated the same level of arousal as partially nude models do today. We can see during our lifetimes the changes in sexually explicit content on television, movies, books and other forms of media beyond just advertising."

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The above story is reprinted from materials provided by University of Georgia. The original article was written by April Reese Sorrow.

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