Custom of Compassion: Developing Compassion for Self and Others

I sat waiting for yet another daily chest X-Ray on my seventh day in the hospital with pneumonia and knew that I was dying... I could feel my consciousness fading, my body shutting down and overheard a conversation among medical professionals about kidney failure, lack of oxygen and alarming blood work. Although my body was crashing, I felt a sense of peace come over me. I realized that the most important question about my life was, "How much have I loved?" All other trappings of my life had fallen away. Fortunately I was 51 years old and had maintained good health prior to this bout with virulent pneumonia. So after a long struggle I recovered.

How much have I loved? I found inner peace during my health crisis when I was able to picture my husband, our children, extended family, friends and clients and knew that I had loved much. In the decade since my near-death experience, there has been extensive research on life purpose and satisfaction. Two vital variables are characteristic of the perspectives of those who find personal happiness... close relationships and sense of meaning. These two elements form the foundation of a sense of purpose that expresses our true humanity. The research confirmed what I trusted in my heart.

So what does it look like to live a life from love? Kurt Vonnegut wrote, "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be." In the brain practice make permanent, so the more often we choose love as our motivation, the more automatic the behavior becomes. It is important to maintain a vision of your Best Self. This is easy when we first fall in love because we see each other as ideals. Over time, fear and attack thoughts can erode our connections. I recommend that clients ask the question, "Do I choose love or fear as my motivation?" Love of self and others is the essence of our Best Self... the foundation of transformation.

UNCONSCIOUS PROGRAMS

So what gets in the way of living a life from our Best Self? If we are designed for love and meaning then what blocks happiness and fulfillment? With so much is written and described about successful relationships in spiritual traditions, academic and self-help books, the media, great literature and philosophy, why aren't we doing a better job? I have had to answer this question as a psychotherapist for over 35 years. In the early years of my practice, I naively assumed that if my clients understood common sense communication strategies and put those to work they would improve their relationships. I learned the hard way that the unconscious mind runs the show. We are programmed in our families for certain behaviors and have internalized narratives about ourselves and others. This works like a movie on our head and we are stuck on the same channel even if we know we have better channels available. We are locked on to the movie in our mind based on past learning. Our channel changer is frozen so we watch re-runs of the same old dramas because we never learned to consciously use our changer. We fear change.

Why would we be afraid to navigate from a drama that so clearly DOES NOT work? Why wouldn't we change a channel in our mind that is boring, hurtful or self-destructive? As neuroscience reminds us, "the brain loves the familiar". We feel safer with the familiar and unconsciously repeat patterns we learned as children. The patterns are powerful and resistant to change because at one time these thought patterns protected us. For example, I recently worked with a smart and savvy young man in his early forties who did a lot of damage unconsciously by distancing himself from his wife and children through judgmental statements, sarcasm, name calling, and distancing. This was a man with integrity and strong family values so why did he behave in destructive way toward those he most loved and valued? Why was he stuck on an abusive channel?

INTERNAL NARRATIVES

This young husband and father had an internal narrative that he learned for eighteen years as he grew up that went something like this, "Whatever you do, you cannot let your guard down or you will be hurt... The best defense is a good offense." I joked with him that if he would up in prison; this was a darn good set of rules. A great channel to watch for survival as a prison inmate. Bottom line, he was caught in a prison of his own ideas. We all have picked up some dysfunctional behaviors based on past experiences. It is important to tune into our internal, unconscious narrative channels and practice intentional surfing in the direction of love and meaning... Love of others and love of life.

This young client grew up with a Mother who was caustic and alcoholic and a distant father. He was a caring and sensitive kid who developed inner defenses to protect himself in a hostile environment. As he grew the ability to distance himself from his mothers barbs, use sarcasm, call her names and judge others before they judged him saved him from a lot of pain. Unfortunately he also trained his brain that these were the behaviors needed to survive. Now that he is grown and has his own family he can learn to make better choices. We are re-writing his narrative as "I am a kind a loving Husband and Father who learns from my mistakes, lives with integrity and stops negative patterns from my family with this generation." This will be a conscious and regular practice for him until practice makes permanent in his brain. It is a challenge to change our narratives about life because they protected us at one time.Developing our ability to be close to others and also maintain a sense of self is one the most difficult task that we have in our lives and the most rewarding.

"It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation."

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

INTERNAL DISCERNMENT AND COMPASSION

In healthy and happy relationships the rights of the individual are inexplicably tied to the family and members are able to be close and separate. That is a dance we perfect over time. The maxim, "Love one another as thyself" is a natural, guiding principle in successful relationships.

Learning to change your inner narrative is a challenging process, but the rewards are great as you learn to live from love instead of fear. Some guidelines that help in this process are as follows:

1. We shine the light within gently and without judgment.

2. Since our narrative contains unconscious material from our childhood, we may feel powerless, vulnerable and immature at times as we look. But this should not deter us. Remember you are breaking out of a prison of your own ideas.

3. It helps to keep a journal if there is something in your life that you are worried about. Find a private way to write your thoughts and commit to writing about your problem for at least 15 minutes a day for several days. Then, step back and see what patterns you notice. Do you feel like a victim? A persecuter? a chronic rescuer? What steps would your Best Self take to do things differently?

4. Since our sense of self is largely established when we are children and we have better information as adults, information on its own is unlikely to be able to do away with the feelings of inadequacy and defectiveness that lie in our unconscious narrative. Accept that you have attack thoughts and self hatred and learn to watch those thoughts without judgment. You do not need to act on destructive thoughts and feelings. As you move in the direction of love and meaning, your inner narrative will change.

5. It helps to have a loving witness to stand by our side as you begin to wrestle with inner narratives. Ideally this will be our partner, family member or friend but at times we require professional assistance to learn to look without harsh judgment and attack thought toward ourselves and others.

6. It is impossible to examine our narratives while at the same time engaging in attacking our partners or ourselves. Compassion toward others and ourselves is an essential ingredient in the process of taking back our spontaneity and aliveness.

7. In our culture we have tended to use shame instead of healthy guilt in training our children. (Shame is about ourselves; healthy guilt is about actions). As a consequence, it is often difficult to examine the inadequate behaviors without thinking that we are bad. Avoid all or nothing thinking. We all have faults and weaknesses. Keep moving your thoughts and behaviors to your Best Self.

8. The majority of my clients who have examined their inner narratives have found a particularly cruel, faultfinding aspect we call the Judge. The Judge interferes with getting to know yourself because the Judges reactions to its contents are so harsh and punitive. When the Judge is unleashed in a relationship, it usually leads to what shame and blame and attack of yourself or others. Learn to listen to this mean-spirited voice and replace it with compassionate solutions. EG. The Judge may shout in your head, "You are worthless, might was well stop trying." You replace it with, "I will use my Best Self to find new paths toward love and purpose." Do not allow the judge to give you a life sentence in a prison of your own ideas.

9. Envision your BEST POSSIBLE SELF and write about the steps you need to take to live your way to fulfillment. Imagine your life going as well as it possibly can in all areas including love, work and play. Imagine your life if you realize your dreams and make the most of your personal potential. Research shows that when you do this exercise you become more optimistic and are more likely the cope with frustrations and obstacles.

Freud once said that we need to do three things well to be happy... to love, to work and to play.

Choosing compassion for self and others as our motivation patterns our lives toward fulfillment. Customs of compassion benefit individuals, families and culture and evolve traditions for the evolution of humanity.

Dr. Linda Miles is a psychotherapist and author with thirty five years of experience.She has written several books including, Friendship on Fire (XLibris, 2010) and The New Marriage (Cypress Press, 2000) that was nominated for Forward Book of the Year award in Nonfiction. Kirkus Reviews refers to Friendship on Fire as, " a treasure map" for relationships.

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